Merriam-Webster has two broad definitions for the word “bitter”: the first regards to the one of the four taste sensations, the second is with regard to the intensity or severity of a feeling such as pain, animosity, or coldness.
So though what I’m about to say to you all may shock you and may even cause you to judge me, I have to say from the start, I am not bitter, I’m a realist — pessimist perhaps, but I’m not bitter. I do not fit EITHER definition, and my feelings are not intense or severe. My disposition is based on: statistics and sociology.
I’m starting to think intimate love and relationships is a façade or at the very least, not for everyone.
Allow me to explain:
We tend to believe, and even brainwash people into thinking that if you try hard enough, you can get anything you want. As if the playing field is created equally and opportunities are dispersed in a consistent and predictable manner. We brainwash children (and even adults) that, “if you stay in school and study hard, you can be successful”. We push our employees that, “if you work hard enough, you can one day run this company too”. We DEPEND on human hope; our desired outcomes are in DIRECT proportion to our effort. (the more you try, the more you’ll get).
Now, this isn’t completely false. I can honestly say, that sometimes things work out exactly the way you predicted because of the amount of effort you invest. I get it.
and that’s a big ass “however”,
this rule is not universal.
This rule does NOT apply across the board. No matter how much oil you pour in your cup of vinegar, it will not mix. (scientists, please correct if I’m wrong in this example). No matter how hard you try or how competent you are to compete against the CEO’s first son, there’s still chance that you won’t get that position. No matter how hard you study, you can still be unemployed upon graduation. If we do in fact know this, why doesn’t that same logic apply to love?
As a Latina, family (primarily your own – marriage and children) is placed on THE highest pedestal. Growing up, us young Latinas, we have been “preparing” for marriage since childhood.* (read endnote) This is not to say, career is NOT a focus, but the idea of careers is not something that’s been engraved in our brains since childhood. As we start to grow, we start to focus on a successful career, and even if we fail halfway, marriage is STILL paramount. But I digress…
We know, that some of us can’t have the BEST careers, so we settle. Likewise we know, that we all can’t be healthy. Conversely, however, we still have hope of a marriage, a family, a continuing legacy to our names. We assume that there’s a “soulmate” for everyone.
That can’t be.
It can’t be that to every heterosexual man, there’s a heterosexual woman. It can’t be that way statistically, or sociologically.
Based on the US Census Bureau, the MaleToFemaleRatio.com reported that there are 100 men to 111 women in New York. EVEN IF every person in that statistic was heterosexual, single, and emotionally attached, 11 women would remain unmarried. Eleven. So what can we deduct that from that? Statistically speaking, in New York, it is impossible for everyone to get married.
Now let’s say those eleven women migrate and the gender ratio balances, meaning New York (herein, “New Utopia”) would now have a perfect 100:100 ratio. This is where the façade, or smokescreen if you will, comes in.
Even if New Utopia exists, which I believe this is the statistic in certain states, there are still single men and women. Why?
Because emotionally, we are unique human beings. We react differently to all scenarios. We problem solve differently. We “love” differently.
It can’t be that everyone can find a partner who’s the most desirably similar. So why judge the single men and women? Why is it that something HAS to be wrong with that person to be 45 and still single? The playing field is not equal, the “opportunities” (meaning the “one”) are NOT dispersed consistently and predictably (if that’s a word), and not everyone can be matched up with a lifelong partner.
There is no “one”. There’s a “now”. If both people in the relationship can elongate the “now” for the rest of their lives, then that is admirable. Seriously, I see it in my parents, my friends and coworkers. But the fact that a person cannot find the “one”, does not necessarily mean that THAT person is defective, or a “lemon” — or even worst, bitter. Statistically and sociologically, it is impossible for EVERYONE to get married.
I am not bitter; I’m a realist; I’m single, and that is oh-fucking-kay.
* This is not to exclude other cultures that also follow this “life coping technique”.