I had to write it out, because at first i thought i was losing my mind but then i read, and re-read, and re-read again, and no, I did not lose my mind. This is how I become obsessive with progressional thought… But I digress.
I just recently read a blog or a letter or whatever this person felt like he needed to express to women about what men really want. So, I’m responding – this is what women want.
First of all, I want to start by saying, that I’m not going to distinguish between “real”, “good”, or any other subdivision of a character in the “makeup” of a human being. There is no such thing is absolute moralism, so I won’t repeat his mistake. Our most general desire, ALL OF US women, is balance.
We want the hero and the sidekick, the asshole and the sweetheart, the serious and the class clown. We want both, and a deprivation of either tells a lot about HER priorities and what she’s willing to tolerate… for YOU.
We also want to cater to you and be catered to, to be spoken highly of and to point out when we’re wrong — respectfully, of course.
We cannot stand idly by while the man is doing all the hunting for the village to eat. Us women need to feel needed, as we all do. If the man in a relationship is “paving the road” for an easier life, what’s the purpose of our relationship? Eventually, we’ll begin to wonder, “how am I different from the other women out there? He could be doing this to any other woman. How am I contributing to our relationship?” No one wants EVERYTHING done for them, or else where’s the thrill??
We need to be needed and not needed (pick up your own damn laundry, you work right next door). We need to know that our husbands are both equally independent and dependent on us. Similarly, we need to be independent and dependent on you. We should be able to count on you for supporting our decisions.
Love is allowing someone to grow out, allowing your significant other to flourish on her own terms, in her own way. If he paves the way for her, not only did he completely UNDERMINE her efforts, but he unknowingly (or otherwise) furthered this draconian sexist belief that she could not POSSIBLY achieve her goals without him. We don’t want you to make our goals more difficult, just like we don’t want you to make our goals easier. Respect our goals and trust our judgment.
You see, we cannot submit to you, because it is NOT what we want. We can love you, cater to you, cook for you if you’d like, but we cannot be submissive. We cannot drop all our values, morals, religion, or beliefs for the sake of coming home to SOMEONE. Shit, we’ve lived our whole lives holding on to these precious things.
We need you to allow us to differ from you on the subjects that matter and likewise agree with you on the subjects that matter. (that was not a typo) But agreeing and catering is NOT submission, that is respect, that is affection, that is love. Love, a median between hate and submission. Love is the balance. Submission is the extreme.
Give us balance, and we promise to reciprocate.
“Each suburban wife struggles with it alone. As she made the beds, shopped for groceries, matched slipcover material, ate peanut butter sandwiches with her children, chauffeured Cub Scouts and Brownies, lay beside her husband at night- she was afraid to ask even of herself the silent question– ‘Is this all?’ ” – Betty Friedan